Thoughts on recent tragedy

When I saw news about the carnage in Paris, I could feel my heart and my voice drop to the bottom of my stomach. 
     My reaction has been shared by many. I've seen many postings and comments mentioning Beirut, which had 2 bombings a few days before Paris that killed 43 people and injured over 200 more. There was more coverage on Paris than Beirut. I believe that both are tragic. Both are claimed by ISIS. Both leave survivors living with fear and no sense of security, which is a basic need for life.
    But there are a few reasons why Paris was covered more than Beirut. These reasons do not excuse anything nor does it mean that Paris and its people are more important than Beirut and its people.
    We in the US are almost desensitized to hearing and reading about tragedy in the Middle East. It's a shame to say, but we have created an image for the Middle East, not on purpose, but through the stories we hear in media outlets and our conflicts there, that is an image of bombings, terror, and war.
I think that for us, knowing a city like Paris went through a terrible attack, hits closer to our feeling of security than the tragedy in Beirut.
    Paris is a vacation spot. It's on everyone's travel list. We imagine lights, lovers, art, and fresh bread. It's a place most of us can picture ourselves in.
  This, I believe, is one of the reasons that Americans are so distraught. To know that Paris could be attacked puts a little more fear into us than bombings that seems too far away in the Middle East.
   Now, I admit, I am a little sensitive when people blame "The Media" as if it were one big machine. That being said, I do believe that a free media is a reflection of its society and this is one reason why we would see more coverage of Paris than Beirut. Americans identify more with Paris and we are more shocked by that news. It is not right or wrong, it is a reflection of us. There was coverage on Beirut, at least by my main news source, NPR. If it wasn't on your radar, consider expanding your news sources.
   I don't pray, but I do believe in energy and love, which I send not just to Paris and Beirut, but to everywhere there is people without a sense of security in the world, people who are left with too much fear and not enough ground to sleep on.

What's in Australia?

After a long hiatus (a period of my own forgetfulness, writing blocks, and procrastination) I fully intend to pursue this blog with a greater force than past effort. Special thanks to curious, helpful prodding from a caring person. 

I'm taking a year off from school to de-stress, re-finance, travel, and breathe. While I hope there will be enough money for me to return to Stony Brook, I am applying to other schools and keeping my options open so I can avoid furthering the black hole of student loans. I'm truly looking forward to this year and am enjoying it so far. I want to read more, ski more, and finally watch Gilmore Girls with my sister.
While embarking on our Gilmore Girls adventure, I encountered a quote or line or what have you that I love. Rory's grandfather tells his friends she is going to go to Fez someday, when they question "What's in Fez?" he answers "That's for her to find out."
That's awesome.
We may know what is in a place as far as landmarks, like the Taj Mahal or cuisine, plants, and animals, but there is so much more that you can't know until you've been to a place.
Why am I going to Australia and New Zealand? Well, I want to travel. Also, one of my best friends will be in Darwin on exchange. And it's an opportunity to travel with my best friend/boyfriend, The Alaskan Bear, and another dear friend, Mitchell. I saw a reason to go and there is plenty (too much) to explore in Australia.
What's in Australia? That's for us to find out. I'll let you know.

Semester Coming to an end. Really soon. I swear.

New York! Why are you eating away my summer??
Although, the city seems like an awesome place to be now, and the beaches are beckoning, I need to get back to Alaska. To my 10 PM sunlight. Also, to my job. I'm broke as a joke.
Speaking of housing is still on the fritz- but IT WILL BE SETTLED SOON.
It has to be. It just has to. For my sanity.
Bright side: This is the last week of classes! YAY!
Downside: I have two finals...the last two days of finals.
Bright side: I have time to go to the beach!
Short Post and Rambles, I'll leave you to it now.

Positive Post

I'm not wallowing in deep emotion all the time.
In fact, the majority of the time I'm pretty positive and generally content.
It's just that very powerful emotions often propel writing and fuel minds more easily than day to day life. Be it anger, sadness, or elation.
And I feel the need to be very honest here and tell what I feel. At the very least, even if no one sees, it's therapeutic.
Don't worry, I'm overall fairly happy.
Occasionally, maybe more than others, I have dark moments.

My life right now is very busy and going at the speed of light.
It feels slow, but the weeks go by in a blink- does that make sense?
Between class, Rugby, copy editing and writing for the Indie, and homework, as well as procrastination and hanging out with friends, I have little time to decompress. Maybe this adds to my outbursts of panic, "genius", and angst.

Anyway, as I progress, I still love the same organizations as I did when I set my sights on journalism. National Geographic would be my ultimate dream job. Travel, photojournalism, environment, animals, telling stories and sharing pictures from places no one thinks about daily. The second dream job, working for National Public Radio. Radio was a big part of my intake of news growing up and it's my favorite way to get my news. These two organizations are two of my favorites and have a special place in my heart.

Of course, any other publication that would allow me to do the same work as those two would make me just as happy. As long as I get to go far and wide- through work or my own making. I'm not sure there are words for how much I feel the need to see as much as I can of the world.

One month until I visit Denver and the beautiful friends I have there for three days and then back to my beautiful town and the 10 pm sunlight. People don't understand how wonderful midnight sun is. Maybe I just like light a lot, but I think it's one of the best things about summer.

Before I go, though, I get to go to the Hampton beaches on the South shore of the Island. A little TLC with friends during finals week. Good for the body, mind, and soul.

What did I get myself into?

Should I have looked harder for a J-school?
Should I have sprung the non-existent funds for a private college?

Every hundredth time I am asked "Why'd you choose Stony Brook?" I lose a little bit of the purpose and conviction I came here with. Every time someone says these sickening words, I believe my answer a little less.

Now I question myself.
Not because it's small, or new (actually, I like that). Not because Stony Brook cannot be found by noses far above my head.
I remain quite confident in the professors I've met and my abilities to withstand professors that may lack their own ability to teach and nurture minds.

The one question I'm asking is: What the hell did I step into?
This funny, quirky world of the J-school also has an eery tinge that I can't stomach. Something is off.
I've made it sound more sinister than it may come to you, but that's how I feel about it. Two truly alarming qualities, one that Stony Brook can't help. But another that they can.

No one can be held responsible for vultures: Students (or anyone) of an unbearable competitive nature that feeds off of the bones of others. No, Stony Brook, I won't blame you for the assholes. There are many of them in the world. I'm just going to have to suck it up. 

I am going to hold you responsible for your microscopic view. I think (I hope) you're working on one aspect of this problem: The focus on Long Island and New York. I've brought it up. Yes, New York is a hub for journalism. That's great. It's one of the reasons I chose your school. But I'm not really looking to stay in this area. Or even the United States.

The second aspect is one that I'm only picking up on as I talk to other students and continue in the program. There is a huge focus on hard news. Which is great. I love hard news. But I also love other forms of journalism. Now, I will say, I'm not so sure how much of an issue this is. As I'm new and fresh, I don't have a gauge for real problems in the program. But I have ears. I listen.

Why would I want to go to a school where all the other people in my program question why the hell I came from so far to go there? When I hear complaints. The same complaints. Over and over. Is that not supposed to corrode my confidence and happiness over time?

I'm hoping I can bring a bit of Alaskan-ness to the J-school and mix it up a bit. I'm hoping I can withstand these decaying wounds to my conviction.

In the end, I want to go places, Stony Brook. I want to inspire and inform.
I thought I made the right choice. Am I listening to the wrong people? Or will I find the same frustration?
This isn't a critique. It's just worried thoughts from a girl who wants to bring a little change to the world. Who has no clue how to do it yet.
In the end do I even need a degree in Journalism? It's not really required. Even to achieve brilliance. So really, J-schools need to bring something extra to to the table to entice it's students to stay. What are you giving me that I could not possibly give up for something that could be more enjoyable or help me more? If i am of any bright mind, I need not stay.

Can you help me? Or do you just want to mold me into what you think a journalist should be?

A Male Advocate for Women's Rights

      Today, in one of my favorite classes, Sociology of Human Reproduction, we had the pleasure of one of the greatest guest speakers I have heard. (It could be that earlier in the week I experienced on of the worst.)
     Mohammad Naeem is, as I've experienced and read in my life, a rarity. Not quite a unicorn. Perhaps a narwhal- we know they exist, but who sees them?
      He is an advocate for Women's Rights. He gives talks to world leaders about Women's Rights issues and gender equity. He is a 2013 graduate of Stony Brook University. He is a male. 
      Lately in the class, we have been discussing more about the male role in reproduction. Men and abortion, men and birth or pregnancy, men and gender equity. Where is the male voice?
In some of the studies we discussed, the majority of men felt like they had no voice or place politically or otherwise in abortion or the birth process. More importantly they really hadn't thought about abortion or pregnancy much before their situation now.
      An interesting study in Sweden, which consisted of older men, were the men actually had thought about it. They had found a voice. A place.
     Mohammed came to this path because of this class, yes, but also his mother. She was a victim of gender based violence. He felt powerless as an 8 year old, watching his mother be hurt by his father. He served as her council in trial at the age of 18 against his father.
He believes that women in these places, a widowed mother of six, women living on mere dollars a day, victims of violence, they don't need a handout that many try to give. He said they need hope. The oppression they have gone through have diminished their own hopes, desires, and dreams. They need them back.
      He encouraged his mom to get economic independence. She is now a chef to the Afghan ambassador at the UN here.
     Many men and women, if they have not been victims themselves know a victim of this violence. I know a few, one woman in particular I think of. I won't say her name, but her strength and optimism is inspiring. She is one of the few people I admire.

So why is it that we seem to overwhelmingly hear from the women?

Why is it that men aren't well represented in Women's Rights, gender equity, reproduction, and abortion?

I hope that the men in my life would have something to say on these issues and topics. If they don't, then they should start thinking about it. Even if it doesn't feel like you have a place, make yourself a place.
Mohammad Naeem said a very striking statement. He said "All silence, in any form, is disempowering." 
It's disempowering to everyone. Even yourself.

No Posts For March?

Whoops. 
I'm trying to be good. I swear. 
I have a lot of good ideas for this blog. Lots of big things on the horizon.
Well, really just the one pertaining to the blog. The rest are for me.
Recently, whilst the Alaska Bear was with me and the roomie in the city, he bought me a cookbook (possibly my favorite type of book) at the Strand Bookstore, otherwise known as a heaven on earth.
This cookbook is called International Night, it's a collaboration between Mark Kurlansky and his daughter, Talia. Once a week for 52 weeks, Talia would randomly point to a place on a spinning globe. Wherever her finger landed is what the theme for the night would be. From Sweden to Niger to Hawaii.
Not only do I plan to follow their adventure from the book beginning this summer 2015 til the summer of 2016, for each country I'll continue the creativity by creating a 'dream vacation' for the place.
I'm hoping it will inspire me to take one of these trips (or all of them) as well as cook some new and exciting foods.

              It feels nice to have a new and exciting project in the future, school has been keeping me busy and it seems as I get more comfortable here I take on more responsibilities. I have now moved from staff writer at the Stony Brook Independent to Copy Editor. Exciting and more work. But I enjoy it.
              Sometimes, I'm not convinced I need to be here for a journalism education, mostly because I'm sure that you need one to be a journalist, though it is nice to have. But then I remind myself: I'm not really here for that. I'm here for the opportunities. I'm here for experience. That is what will help me.
             At the end of the day, Stony Brook and the Island are just stepping stones, making my path easier. It will be me who creates a life and a career for myself by simply being myself and finding my niches. Finding what makes me unique and using that to create and do good work.

Alaska remains as ever not in the least a stepping stone but rather a strong bow that shot me here. I'm forever grateful for being an Alaskan.

Busy Beats Bored

This semester is chugging along. This is both good and bad.
Good that it's going by so quickly. Already the birthday weekend with my roomie in the City is upon us and soon the visit from the Alaskan Bear will be here! (I'm just a tad excited)
Bad because it feels like I'm falling over my feet, attempting to squeeze every task in just in the nick of time. Clamoring as gracefully as I can to stand on my feet and breathe as I'm normally gasping for air, drowning in homework, responsibilities, articles, news, exams, practice, and a sea of social events.
Hopefully spring break will be a temporary life vest. 
Despite these tremulous feelings, I'm actually feeling quite successful in my writing for class and for The Stony Brook Independent. It's all going swimmingly.
My hope is to drag myself ahead and on top of the game, but does this ever really happen in the life of a student?
Maybe a student who always does assignments way before they are due or one without other responsibilities. Maybe one who doesn't do anything at all.
But for me, I always work better under pressure. I like having deadlines. Do I usually work to the wire in a frenzy caffeine induced terror- yes. Does it produce good work? Generally. Typically not with studying for exams, but with writing, this is very much the case.
Procrastination is key.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm pretty sure I have a quiz tomorrow to study for. And an exam on Wednesday.

Valentine's Day: A defense

Today is not a day for one who is "single" to lament on their relationship status. It is not meant as salt in the wound. More important, it is not meaningless. 
It is a day to celebrate love and affection for all. NOT just romantic love, but the love you have for others.
This is the day of the Feast of St. Valentine and here is some "history" that might get your head out of where ever it may be:

In legend that appeared in 1493, St. Valentine of Rome was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers forbidden to marry and for ministering for persecuted Christians. It is said that he healed the daughter of his jailer, Asterius, of blindness. A more fantastical ending to this story is that before his execution he wrote a letter signed "Your Valentine" as a final goodbye.

Geoffrey Chaucer and the High Middle Ages are among the first to associate the day with romantic love, expressed by flowers, candy, and cards called Valentines. St. Valentine's keys can be given as an invitation to unlock the giver's heart or to small children to ward off St.Valentine's malady, epilepsy.

Remember this is LEGEND and in any sort, it is where the modern day holiday evolved from. 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and hating a day of love. Who cares if you don't have a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner, friends with benefits, or what have you to be disgustingly mushy with! Love yourself, be happy with friends, and literally treat it like any other day- maybe with a little more chocolate.

Back to the Island, Followed by Alaska.

Update on the "Blizzard": It seems Alaska is following me. Or the Island is trying to make me feel at home.
Storm Juno (any relations to Juneau?) gave us a couple feet of snow, but I left my mukluks at home- just my luk...I promise I'll try to do better with puns.

My resolutions are getting a slow start. I got so sucked in to my return to the home of my heart that I forgot to keep up on the things I started in my school life. The resolutions are underway, I assure you. You're even reading progress on one of them right now.

On my mind lately, possibly due to the tedious hours traveling across the US and back, is this weird time in life; It's as if I have two lives. Some how, some where, do they meld into one?

I have my life here on the Island. Where I go to school, have friends, (will have) a job, and am looking for apartments/abodes off campus. It's where I shop, do chores, have brunch with my lovely roommate, and explore new places.
Then I have my life in Alaska. It's the place I grew up, where I have my supportive family, loving boyfriend, my extended family of friends, and my beautiful dog, Izzy. There's a lot more than just memories there. It's where I laugh and explore. I do all the things I do in Long Island, but with a different scenery and different people. It's a familiar and friendly life. It's the one I miss and I'll always miss. But it's the one I will visit.
As my studies progress and I settle my sights on short term goals, long term goals, and apartments the impending meld or disintegration of my current multiple lives becomes a monster in my closet. I don't want to look at it, but I know it's there.
A logical pat of my brain (it's there, somewhere) tells me if I were to look, it won't be that bad. I'll always be Alaskan and it will always be a place I call home. But there are opportunities out there, some far away from Alaska, that shouldn't be missed because I'm too scared to leave.

A month goes by fast

Way faster than I anticipated. Blogging is harder work than I thought.
I have my last final at 8 AM tomorrow morning and will be returning home shortly for month.
I'm looking forward to seeing my family, my boyfriend, and my friends; I've missed them all so much. I've missed the food (especially the Thai food), the snow, and what is quite possibly one of the only remaining Blockbusters in the US. I'll miss my wonderful roommate and my friends here, but I'll see them in about a month, give or take.
I've already started thinking about my New Years Resolutions. First on the list (as always) KEEP the resolutions going beyond January 3rd. This is the most challenging by far.
Then the list is beginning as followed:

• Keep in better contact with my friends thousands of miles away and my family. I've done alright, but I'd like to do better.
• Blog more! I'd like to evolve it and make it more enticing. But really the goal is just MORE.
• Form a workout habit. (They say this takes three weeks? Four weeks? I'm not sure. I'll let you know.)
• Get involved with another organization on campus. 

And it is continuing to grow. I hope everyone is already dreaming up their resolutions. Why wait for the New Year? We still have the rest of December 2014 to light a new fire underneath us. 

Getting Back To Normal

After an unintentional few weeks hiatus from blog posting, here are some brief updates on life as a student on The Island: 

 (note these are not in chronological order, but in the order my head groups them in)

• Trip to ProPublica and New York Daily News was an amazing success. I heard thoughts on the future of Journalism from Editor-in-Chief of ProPublica, Stephen Engelberg. At NY Daily, I picked up some tips on what it takes to get hired.
• I went on another trip the next weekend, this time I visited CBS and Al Jazeera America. Sat in the 60 minute screening room talking to executive producer, Jeffery Fager, and toured CBS studios and control room. At Al Jazeera America, which is only about a year old, we met with Marcy McGinnis, Senior Vice President of newsgathering and former professor at SBU. A very successful and informative trip, I'll be writing a blog post about the Professional Friday experience.
• After that trip, I stayed in the city WITH a friend. We were going to go to free night at MoMA, however the line went down multiple blocks and around the corner. Proving my economics teacher was right- nothing is ever truly "free". (Again, another post will be all about the hilarious time I had in the city.)
• Halloween came and I partied as Fire Bird at a small get together. Did some salsa. A successful night. 
• Got the Tinder App for fun- after pressure from the roommate. Though I'm not single, it's proved to be a fun experiment, maybe I'll write a news piece on it. 
• Been attempting to go to Toast again for the past two weekends...this weekend we WILL be successful!

As to why I haven't posted in a while: School has been busy, as the semester comes to a close, everything seems to pile up. It's at that time in the semester where everyone needs a break. I'm hoping after this next week is over, I won't feel that way. Next week there are two group project due and a test, so it won't be a stroll in the park. 
Will post soon- thank you to any one who reads this.

Enjoying New York State

I haven't had an opportunity to visit the Big Apple since I arrived at school (but I will soon- and I have all my years here to do it!). I will be going to NYC on Halloween with the School of Journalism to visit ProPublica and New York Daily News- exciting and only 10 dollars!

I have had the opportunity to visit some other places in New York (or at least see them on Rugby trips). One of the places I've visited the most is Port Jefferson and I've definitely fallen in love. It has a charming marina and the old town feeling that is so comforting. So many delicious places to eat: The Wave, Toast (possibly the best brunch), Sweet&Sassy Crepery, and the biggest candy shop that would make any sweet tooth ache, Frigate.  It's worth mentioning that Port Jeff has what could be my favorite store I've found- a store dedicated to board games. It's amazing and has every version of monopoly you could ever want...or not want at all.

 

 Pictured: Tasty Rum Raisin Ice Cream and one part of the shop. Not pictured: THE REST OF IT.

I'm still enjoying Port Jeff every time I visit (it's fairly easy for me; the bus comes here and its free on the weekends for students). I've also visited Island Thrift shop and Kings Point as well as Stony Brook Village and Avalon Park. 

I definitely miss home, but exploring makes my time away enjoyable. Plus, when I go back home I can tell all about the foreign East Coast Eats and Bodegas.

Challenge Accepted

       I recently, as in seconds ago, posted a video to Facebook about how the world has become disconnected with itself due to technology. I wholeheartedly agree with him; it's a sad realization. What even more sad is that we all recognize it, but rarely do I see individuals do something about it. Small things in everyday life. Including myself.
      Now technology is a useful thing. Social media is a revolution that has proven very powerful. For the path I am choosing as a passion and career, I need it as a tool. But I have made a promise to myself to only use it as a tool. To build and not fuss around, to not let it consume me. It's only tool. As is money. But friendship and connectedness isn't a tool, it's a gift. 
          So I've chosen to challenge myself (and anyone else) to at least twice a day talk to someone new or old instead of looking to their phone for entertainment. Look to people for entertainment, be entertaining. We are in these situations everyday where we can meet someone new or help someone or even make conversation but we all turn to our devices and not to others. We hide behind our phones like shields; we can say brilliant words in 140 characters, but why are we scared to say them in real life settings? 

Challenge: Don't Turn to The Phone. Turn to the person sitting next to you in class, waiting in line, waiting for a performance to start. Be social for real.

Directions

Sometimes we need to stop and ask for them.

I've been feeling that I need to take a more structured direction with this blog.

Or, perhaps, start a new blog with a structured direction and keep this one for my personal flippity floppity bibbity boppity crash bang feelings and update blog. 

Either way, I kind of need a direction to go in.

My interests? That's vague, but a few prominent ones could work together. 

Maybe what I need more than direction is purpose. 

When I find them both, hopefully soon, I'll make a new fancy blog, but keep this one for myself and whomever is actually reading it. One to actually promote and use in a professional sense, and this one to just write, like a personal but open journal for myself and my friends and family.

To be thought about until further notice.

Back on track just not the literal track.

             Everything seems to be coming together on the Island and in the Brook; I see an opportunity for travels to India (soon) and Ireland (not so soon, still a dream), as well as some other places on the globe. I'm confident that I chose the (or a?) right school. If I use my own abilities and their opportunities and help, I'm sure I can go where I want to in my life.
              It definitely helps that I am lucky enough to be supported by some of the most wonderful people. My parents, my sister and brothers, my aunts and uncle, my boyfriend, his parents, so many family-friends, and my close friends, as well as the new ones I'm making. It's so very easy to feel alone here; it's new, it's hard to get around (mostly because I have no sense of orientation), and it's easy to disconnect from life and people here because I'm not too invested yet. But when this feeling comes on you just have to push it back with all your strength and with confidence remind yourself that you aren't alone and you have to remain happy even when those you love can't be there. People's presence can make you happy, but you can't rely on them for your happiness.
             Keeping busy helps. Rugby keeps me plenty busy and gives me a new and fun social group, with some very awesome people. My roommate is busy and sometimes we are busy together, which is nice. When I'm not busy, I search for things to fill the void. First, homework, then comes organization. Organization is a great help to me; Not only to I kind of have to organize my room every week (as I'm still adjusting on how best to organize to much stuff efficiently), but it also allows me time to organize my thoughts, which keeps me on track with school and goals. Then, depending on the day and my mood, adventuring or a movie, maybe with friends or maybe solo.
            Slowly, I'm getting back to the actual track for Rugby. I went to the doctor and he said I had tendonitis, so I took a week off. No running, no sprinting, no playing. Yesterday, I did some of practice, but perhaps a little more than I should have. Tendonitis is a tricky thing, but it improves with care.
         I'm also getting back on track with this blog. I've been neglecting it a while, time to give it some TLC.

Get Inspired, Be Inspiring.

        Time to get real. I'm saying this to myself. I'm over the period of initial transfer, wherein people ask about you, where you are from, what you do, why the hell you moved from Alaska to a 'random' place like Stony Brook. I feel in myself that I've become boring. I know it's not that I am boring, but simply one cannot talk about themselves forever without anything else for input. It's tiring.
       The first few times I got the "Alaska Reaction" it was okay, I'm excited to tell people about Alaska. But after a while when asked where are you from, I'd mumble slowly "...Alaska.." I'm a little done with it. Not done with telling people about Alaska, it will always be awesome and beautiful and wonderful, but just done with the big reaction towards myself. I want to feel that awe about someone else.
      So, I've made the executive decision to make my life more interesting and I truly believe to do this you must be inspired by other people. You must learn about and talk about others accomplishments and weird attributes. A person who listens and encourages others is a crucial part in being a person who inspires others. An interesting story creates but a spark of inspiration and I want a flame.
      Overall, I feel like the boring parts are coming from a rut that I'm stuck in and the only way out is indulging in others stories, moving away from my own. Then to create a balance and mutual giving and sharing. This is where the fun starts; when you can bounce off one another, whether it's funny, sad, or serious, is where you stop feeling boring and start being interesting. I guess what I'm really missing is friendship. But don't worry I have some friendships budding and blooming with my roommate and with my new team.

Frozen lands and Hazelnut Coffee

         It's funny how many things remind me of home or people I miss. Sometimes it's the random things and things I knew I enjoyed but didn't realize I loved. Hazelnut Coffee- always has been one of my favorite flavors of coffee, was definitely the coffee that put me in the best mood and cheered me up. Today, I jumped at the chance when I saw hazelnut was being brewed in the Union Cafe. When I started drinking it, it reminded me of my dorm at UAF, driving to work in the summer after getting coffee and a bagel at Bruegger's, and just gave me a general happy feeling.
              One that surprised me more was warm socks. After weeks of not really wearing socks (because, honestly, why- it's too hot), I put on a pair of cozy socks so I could put ice over my ankles. As soon as I had them on, I was so comfortable and happy. I had missed them, but not really recognized that I missed them. Another that blindsided me: the cold. I miss the cold so much. Maybe not 20 below, but at least below freezing. Never really thought of myself as a cold weather person, but if I'm not, I'm at least a temperate weather person. The heat is nice- for a little bit...and if I'm on vacation...on the beach. But the cold for me is just as wonderful as the heat is for others. It's cozy, homey, and all around beautiful.
            This isn't a sad commentary about how much I miss home (although, it's true I miss it in all it's beauty, but I know I'll go back now and then). This is me embracing this new experience of how being away from home and normalcy makes you get to know yourself more.
              By being out of our comfort zone we are pushed to recognize what we feel strongly towards and what we have little care for. I like to think that one reason for this is because you now are the only thing truly from your home, now it's up to you to create the homey feeling which we all crave no matter where we go. It creates honesty with yourself and, for me, a lot of fun finding out what things I really love and then wanting to truly embrace them. It's the kind of experience that is perfect for instilling passion in yourself and connecting with others. There is much I now realize I didn't actually do back home that will now be items to check off my list when I return. This is probably the best thing about being so far away.

Identity Crisis?

         I never realized how much Alaska was a part of my identity until recently. Not for the reasons you'd think, such as people calling me Alaska, or recognizing me because I am from there, or even how often I use the Alaska Card, but simply thinking about getting New York State residency. The past couple of days I have been looking into getting residency as I'll be here for school for three years and it would mean saving about 12,000 or more in tuition. As I learn about it and start to wrap my head around it, the reality is actually sinking in and it makes me a little sick to my stomach. I don't want to give up my Alaska residency. I don't want to stop being Alaskan. I know that I will always be Alaskan; I was born there, I grew up there, it's home and will always be where my heart is. Still, it feels weird that I would be actually moving to another state. Voting with another state. Being part of some other community.
         Another thing creating butterflies in my stomach is the travel bug. I definitely have it and it's making me sick and nervous not doing anything with it. I feel like traveling is part of my identity. I need to do it and I yearn to do it. I'm feeling pressure from unknown sources (most likely my mind, my over analytical, anxiety-filled mind) that I won't have the life I want. The life of traveling everywhere, seeing all the things I want to see. I'm trying to pay attention to so many things, trying not to miss opportunity, but in spreading myself so thin, I think that I am. What is an identity of a traveler? Do I get to be a traveler or am I a traveler? Do I actually have it in me and will I do it?
Not knowing is creating a nervousness inside that is most likely the reason behind those times when I don't know why I'm crying.
            Is it the moving for good that scares me or is it the fact that legally I won't be Alaskan? Both, most likely. Is it the feeling I won't get to travel scaring me? Or am I scared of the meaning behind why I feel like that? Am I possibly over worrying and over analyzing? MOST DEFINITELY YES. 
Will that stop me? UNFORTUNATELY NOT.

Crisis not averted, but subdued. More on this next time, Love your Alaskan(?) Traveler(?) Student(!)

Sweat, Baby, Sweat

         I'm not sure I've ever sweat this much. It takes some getting used to that you will sweat no matter what you are doing. Just got out of the shower, nice and clean- too bad, you're sweating. Sitting in your dorm writing on your blog- sweat. Caution: walking, day or night, leads to sweat. I've been trying to embrace it, but it's hard. Also, gross.
         On the topic of sweat, I'll be possibly playing in the Women's Rugby game tomorrow at noon. Regardless, I'll still be cleating up and warming up, but I hope to play, it's really the only way I'll learn and improve. So far, rugby has been awesome and I'm slowly learning, hopefully getting better, but I'm probably not the best judge of that.

In Other News:
          My roomie got a working fridge! YAY! This is exciting. Extremely exciting. Especially after the ordeal of Fridge Numero Uno that forgot how to fridge. It decided to succumb to the Long Island way and decide to just stay room temperature...which for us here on the third floor is somewhere in the fifth level of hell.
          I've been secretly planning a snow dance in hopes that I will see it here on The Island. Hopefully this works, as my rain hopes came true. And if it does snow, I'm sorry Long Island, you can pin that one on me. I'll take the blame. But I'm scared that the dorm, ignoring any outside temperature drop, will remain to be forever the fifth circle in the Inferno. This would be a tragedy.